Thursday, January 26, 2006
Double Blog Entry Day!
Conversation With my Boss.
Me: I'm going to go get my hair cut.
Boss: Normally we get our hair cut on the same day.*
Me: Well, I'm going by myself today. I'm mad at you.
Boss: If you're not mad at me, then I'm not doing my job.
* This isn't true. We both go to the same place to get our hair cut and *one time* we were there at the same time. Never again. But he looks at this as a sort of bonding experience. I guess, in a way, it is. (A bonding experience. It's still not true.)
Conversation With my Boss.
Me: I'm going to go get my hair cut.
Boss: Normally we get our hair cut on the same day.*
Me: Well, I'm going by myself today. I'm mad at you.
Boss: If you're not mad at me, then I'm not doing my job.
* This isn't true. We both go to the same place to get our hair cut and *one time* we were there at the same time. Never again. But he looks at this as a sort of bonding experience. I guess, in a way, it is. (A bonding experience. It's still not true.)
A Balance.
Six days until the first gazillion dollars magically leaves my checking account and goes to my mortgage company. I’ve been finding myself thinking a lot of “adult” thoughts. I think things like, “How the fuck did this Blind and Window Coverings Company get my name and address?” And “What are they building on the corner and will it affect my property value?” And “How the fuck did all of these insurance companies, security companies and cable companies get my name?” And “How do they know how much my house cost?” And “Maybe I should buy a paper shredder.” And “I feel trapped.”
Things are brewing. Changes are in store. There’s this thing that happens when you start paying attention to God. (God’s pretty much always toying around with things in our lives. It’s just a matter of whether or not we choose to pay attention. Typically, His little proddings are for good. It’s like bowling. Anyone who has seen me bowl knows that after I drop the ball, I squat close to the ground and sort of coach the ball toward the center, away from the gutters. I’m willing the ball to hit a pin or two, but mainly, the ball is going to do whatever it wants. God is frantically waving me to the left or right. I just need to pay attention.)
So. Right. I’ve been paying attention as of late, and I can tell that things are brewing. A string of seemingly random things have been happening, and when I string them together, they kind of make sense. And I’m getting excited. This thinking is reckless.
I’m being elusive. Because I can.
Back to the mortgage payment / adult thoughts thing. Although I’m going to have to hire a plumber soon, and my taxes are going to be a pain in the ass, I do have some youthful things going for me. Due to the recent change in relationship status, I’ve been finding myself blushing a lot. Which makes me feel like I’m fifteen years old. It’s a good balance.
Six days until the first gazillion dollars magically leaves my checking account and goes to my mortgage company. I’ve been finding myself thinking a lot of “adult” thoughts. I think things like, “How the fuck did this Blind and Window Coverings Company get my name and address?” And “What are they building on the corner and will it affect my property value?” And “How the fuck did all of these insurance companies, security companies and cable companies get my name?” And “How do they know how much my house cost?” And “Maybe I should buy a paper shredder.” And “I feel trapped.”
Things are brewing. Changes are in store. There’s this thing that happens when you start paying attention to God. (God’s pretty much always toying around with things in our lives. It’s just a matter of whether or not we choose to pay attention. Typically, His little proddings are for good. It’s like bowling. Anyone who has seen me bowl knows that after I drop the ball, I squat close to the ground and sort of coach the ball toward the center, away from the gutters. I’m willing the ball to hit a pin or two, but mainly, the ball is going to do whatever it wants. God is frantically waving me to the left or right. I just need to pay attention.)
So. Right. I’ve been paying attention as of late, and I can tell that things are brewing. A string of seemingly random things have been happening, and when I string them together, they kind of make sense. And I’m getting excited. This thinking is reckless.
I’m being elusive. Because I can.
Back to the mortgage payment / adult thoughts thing. Although I’m going to have to hire a plumber soon, and my taxes are going to be a pain in the ass, I do have some youthful things going for me. Due to the recent change in relationship status, I’ve been finding myself blushing a lot. Which makes me feel like I’m fifteen years old. It’s a good balance.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Ups and Downs.
It's been a highly emotional day thus far, and it's not even 2.00.
I started the morning silently crying while talking to my boss on the phone. Things are looking bleak at work. Competition abounds. We're being pummelled in every direction by various new food entities. For the first time at the market, I don't see that I can do anything about it. It's at the point in the inspirational movie where the little guy wants to give up, to drop out of the dodgeball tournament, to give up on winning the heart of the beautiful girl. I'm there. I need someone to swoop in and lift me out of my depression. I told my boss this morning that I'm spiritually defeated when it comes to my job. He said that he's been feeling the same way, and that we need to cheer one another up, and come up with more ideas. That's when tears fell down my face. It's humbling to realize that I may not provide the answer to the problem. I thought about praying about work, but I just don't know if God gets mixed up in business dealings.
And then there was laughter. Ryan and I heard some banging and then her light went out. I went downstairs, looked outside, and found a disconnection notice from AEP. Apparently I was supposed to pay a deposit on the electric account back in November. I did not do this. (And to be fair, AEP did not remind me to do this.) Instead, they shut off the electric and asked me to call them. I haven't owned the house for three months yet, and already I'm a slum lord. I laughed, and continued to laugh, stopping for a second to apologize to Ryan, before laughing some more. (The electric will be restored by 4.00. Meanwhile, I'm at the coffee shop where there are things like, "lights", "heat" and "internet".)
On my way out to the coffee shop, I checked my mailbox. In it was a package from Maya. A mix cd. The cd is filled with songs that we've listened to on our various trips - Napa Valley, driving up the West Coast, Tour De Maine. Again, I wanted to cry. This was the best gift I could have received on my dreary humbled and failure-filled January afternoon. Each song paints a picture of our trips together.
I'm not in a coffee shop listening to a cd while doing fruitless labor and stealing electricity. I'm lost in Eugene, Oregon with Maya. I'm buying cookies from a shack in rural Maine. I'm drinking coke and eating greasy food in a diner in Calistoga, California. Maya sent me a vacation on a cd.
And all is good.
It's been a highly emotional day thus far, and it's not even 2.00.
I started the morning silently crying while talking to my boss on the phone. Things are looking bleak at work. Competition abounds. We're being pummelled in every direction by various new food entities. For the first time at the market, I don't see that I can do anything about it. It's at the point in the inspirational movie where the little guy wants to give up, to drop out of the dodgeball tournament, to give up on winning the heart of the beautiful girl. I'm there. I need someone to swoop in and lift me out of my depression. I told my boss this morning that I'm spiritually defeated when it comes to my job. He said that he's been feeling the same way, and that we need to cheer one another up, and come up with more ideas. That's when tears fell down my face. It's humbling to realize that I may not provide the answer to the problem. I thought about praying about work, but I just don't know if God gets mixed up in business dealings.
And then there was laughter. Ryan and I heard some banging and then her light went out. I went downstairs, looked outside, and found a disconnection notice from AEP. Apparently I was supposed to pay a deposit on the electric account back in November. I did not do this. (And to be fair, AEP did not remind me to do this.) Instead, they shut off the electric and asked me to call them. I haven't owned the house for three months yet, and already I'm a slum lord. I laughed, and continued to laugh, stopping for a second to apologize to Ryan, before laughing some more. (The electric will be restored by 4.00. Meanwhile, I'm at the coffee shop where there are things like, "lights", "heat" and "internet".)
On my way out to the coffee shop, I checked my mailbox. In it was a package from Maya. A mix cd. The cd is filled with songs that we've listened to on our various trips - Napa Valley, driving up the West Coast, Tour De Maine. Again, I wanted to cry. This was the best gift I could have received on my dreary humbled and failure-filled January afternoon. Each song paints a picture of our trips together.
I'm not in a coffee shop listening to a cd while doing fruitless labor and stealing electricity. I'm lost in Eugene, Oregon with Maya. I'm buying cookies from a shack in rural Maine. I'm drinking coke and eating greasy food in a diner in Calistoga, California. Maya sent me a vacation on a cd.
And all is good.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Simply Put.
I walked by the salad bar this afternoon, and nodded to Myrna, a woman who works in the produce department. She asked me how I was, and to the surprise of the both of us, I answered, “Happy.”
“You don’t hear that too often,” she said, “That’s really good.”
I walked back to my office thinking, “Wow, I am happy.” I think that for a while now, I’ve been afraid to be happy. I am a productive being, and being both happy and useful have been clashing in my mind as of late.
I play the happy card. All of the time. I’m always “on,” always chatty, bouncy, ready to meet new people, ready to encounter new situations. I’m annoying.
But in reality, the cup is half empty most of the time. I question my motives. I doubt that people really like me. I hold expectations for myself that no one could ever keep.
I admitted some of this to Bryan last night, and he read me a Bible verse. That man is always prepared with an arsenal of verses that will speak exactly to my fears, my insecurities. I felt calm.
How we react to things is a choice. Despair is a choice. Fear is a choice. Excitement is a choice. I’m moving forward here, stepping into a new situation of unknowns, a place that makes me vulnerable and challenges my ability to communicate. I’m no longer single. I can live in fear and anxiety over the things to come, or I can choose to enjoy myself.
Because if you shed everything else, if you shed all the layers of complications, the things of the past, his quirks and mine, if those fall away, everything is pretty simple.
I’m happy.
I walked by the salad bar this afternoon, and nodded to Myrna, a woman who works in the produce department. She asked me how I was, and to the surprise of the both of us, I answered, “Happy.”
“You don’t hear that too often,” she said, “That’s really good.”
I walked back to my office thinking, “Wow, I am happy.” I think that for a while now, I’ve been afraid to be happy. I am a productive being, and being both happy and useful have been clashing in my mind as of late.
I play the happy card. All of the time. I’m always “on,” always chatty, bouncy, ready to meet new people, ready to encounter new situations. I’m annoying.
But in reality, the cup is half empty most of the time. I question my motives. I doubt that people really like me. I hold expectations for myself that no one could ever keep.
I admitted some of this to Bryan last night, and he read me a Bible verse. That man is always prepared with an arsenal of verses that will speak exactly to my fears, my insecurities. I felt calm.
How we react to things is a choice. Despair is a choice. Fear is a choice. Excitement is a choice. I’m moving forward here, stepping into a new situation of unknowns, a place that makes me vulnerable and challenges my ability to communicate. I’m no longer single. I can live in fear and anxiety over the things to come, or I can choose to enjoy myself.
Because if you shed everything else, if you shed all the layers of complications, the things of the past, his quirks and mine, if those fall away, everything is pretty simple.
I’m happy.
